Thursday, June 11, 2009

I dabble with some pretty hard drugs

One of which is meth.

I am a regular user.

For those who have never experimented with the drug, it’s usually taken over a period of a few days during which you don’t sleep or eat.

This is followed by a rest period in which you regain your apatite and eat everything in sight and catch up on sleep and generally feel like death warmed over. As you can imagine, this causes some problems with regularity.

While on a binge, I would shit a bowl full of brown liquid with a foamy head on top.

Well, I had been on a four or five day binge, and I had the usual case of diarrhea, but this time it lingered longer than normal. After several days I decided to take something to firm me up, so to speak. I made a trip to the drug store, selected Extra Strength Imodium, and gobbled up a few pills.

Sure enough, the shits stopped. However, they were replaced by constipation. As mentioned above, this was the period during which I would eat like a hog — not a good thing when constipated. I would go to the throne and sit and nothing would happen.

This went on for four days. I was starting to get worried. I took some laxatives — no help. By the fifth day, it was Friday, and this was my usual time to start another binge. So I scored a gram and headed home.

One of the side effects I didn’t mention was when you do the drug, it makes your guts contract and tense up and the result is usually a good shit; so I was hoping that maybe this would get things moving. I did a small line — and sure enough, I could feel my guts starting to move, and I started getting serious pains.

I hit the bathroom and the pains were really intense. I felt my butthole start to stretch as the five-day turd tried to come out. At this point I started to think about what women must go through with childbirth. The pain was real as my ass was stretching and stretching and finally the five-day turd was moving… and moving… and moving.

It just kept coming out. It was like a religious experience. I would grunt and push out a few inches and catch my breath and push some more and a few more inches would emerge. This thing was massive. Nothing has ever come close in size before or since.

When I was through, I just had to sit there for a while. My legs were shaking and I was sweating. But I had to look. As I stood up I took a dizzy spell, and had to steady myself.

Finally I turned and looked in the toilet, and there was the Mother Of All Turds. A good three inches in diameter. The length? Hard to say. The only place it could go was down the drain. There was about twenty inches visible, with an undetermined amount down the drain hole.

I staggered to my bed and lay there while my body tried to put itself back to normal.